Saturday, August 27, 2011

I have been keeping really busy lately with work, gym, and friends. Yesterday marked 5 weeks. I had a good cry and then picked myself up and had a good time with my best friend mia. we went to a sports bar and attempted to play pool. It was a good time. I feel like most of the time I'm numb and then have little waves of pain. Even that little wave brings so much pain I can't handle it. I found a grief counselor that I have appointment with on the 5th. Really looking forward to that.

Also looking forward to my cute little date to the pet store with Jaxx later<3

Thursday, August 18, 2011

I feel really depressed today. I feel that life isn't worth living anymore. I feel engulfed in my loneliness. Loneliness that no one can take away. No one can understand how I feel and it's frusterating. I hurt all day every day. My heart aches for Brian's love. Tomorrow marks one month. I can't do this for the rest of my life. It hurts too bad. Everyone says it will get better but those words carry no meaning to me. They don't know this feeling..I lost the love of my life. Everyone has someone. I sleep alone every night now. Brian understood me in a way that nobody else did. He was the best friend I've ever had. I feel so lost. I feel like I'm never going to meet anyone. Let alone anyone worth loving.

Monday, August 15, 2011

a few steps back

Today I woke up sad.

I feel like I drempt about Brian but I can't remember my dream. From the instant I woke up it was gone. I do remember hearing what I thought was Him telling me to stop snoozing because it was 7 am already.

I cried several times at work. I have been really emotional. Tomorrow is my baby's birthday. He would be 25 years old. It all just seems so real. so much more real. I haven't been to the gym since thursday and maybe that's the difference in my moods. I'm going back tomorrow though. I have tomorrow off work, that will be nice.

Brian's friends and I have organized a birthday dinner in his honor. Everyone wants to make it a tradition. I really love that. I know I will do it every year, do something.

On a lighter note. My sister and I moved into our room today. Yes, I am sharing a room with my sister now. I'm not ready to be all alone in my own room just yet. It's really hard. I don't want to isolate myself at all and alone in a room would be too easy. Anyhow, we are having fun with it for now. Bringing all our stuff in and sorting stuff. It's helping my mind stay occupied.

Sharing a room with my sister is fun except for the fact that she is making me watch celebrity ghost stories right now and it's freaking me out! hahaha!

goodnight world!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

week III

It's true, I can't believe this is the third week. I'm back at working and thinking of the future. Honestly I didn't think I'd be able to look to the future for a lot longer. I'm just trying to keep as busy as humanly possible. I have an appointment tomorrow to check out the art institute. I'm looking into their photography and interior design programs. When I was growing up those were the two professions I wanted to pursue.

I start my sewing class next week. I am REALLY looking forward to sewing. I have so many ideas in my head of things to create. I am just going to throw myself into sewing this semester.

Brian was in a dream of mine the other day. I spent my entire dream looking for him. When I finally found him he was so happy to see me and we hugged and kissed a bunch! He looked gorgeous! I miss my baby so fucking much!

Monday, August 1, 2011


Today was my first day back at work. It was a REALLY rough morning. I had a stomach ache as soon as I woke up. I was so nervous to face everyone at work. I was also nervous because this was my first day without Brian and our morning work week routine. We usually wake up together and he walks me to the door all sleepy and gives me kisses and we say our "I love yous" "have a good day" and "i miss you already"s. Then I call or text him when I get to work so he knows I got there safely. I went upstairs to work, had a good cry, and powered through my day. I was able to get off work early and that helped me.

We had a beautiful memorial bonfire for Brian yesterday. SO many people came out and brought supplies and food. I am so thankful for every single person that came yesterday. Even if people couldn't make it I am thankful for all the support I have.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

Yesterday was a week since my love took his own life. I can't believe it's been a week! ugh. I got a tattoo in his memory. We found this cute picture together and he loved the idea of it being a tattoo. Now, it's too bizarre how much meaning it has to me. It took about 2 hours to complete and it was worth every bit of the pain. I miss Brian SO much. It seems impossible that life is happening and he isn't here.

Brian was cremated on Wednesday..I didn't get to see him. No funeral or anything official. At first I was hurt and confused. This is God's plan though and I trust in it completely. I wasn't ment to see Brian's body and I accept that. I find comfort in talking to Bri's mom. I'm kind of scared that she will one day not want to talk to me because it will be too painful. I feel like I will be the girl that makes everyone sad because I remind them of Brian.

I have two friends that have lost their boyfriends. One lost her boyfriend only 3 years ago, in a motorcycle accident. I saw her last night and we got to talk about a lot of things. I was there for her at the time but looking back everything is a blur. She is one of my best friends in life. We have known each other for 14 years and I find comfort in her words. She is so strong and I am looking up to her, she has handled herself so well. The other friend I have lost her boyfriend seven years ago to an accidental overdose. It's not a burden you want to share but if you have to deal with it having friends that understands is helping me. Sudden death is definitely different. It really makes a difference to have friends that know how I feel and are living proof that I can make it.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Day 6

Today is a rough day for me..

I miss Brian SOOOO much. I could use all the o's in the world in that so and it wouldn't tell you how much I miss my bear.

Tuesday a good friend of mine gave me a puppy. Not just any puppy. The sweetest and most loving little pug! It's perfect for keeping my mind busy. This little guy melts my heart. I know Brian would have adored this little guy. We had plans to move out within the next few months and get a little pug. I named this cute little guy Jaxx.

I signed up for a sewing class yesterday. Life is going on and it doesn't seem right or fair.

Tomorrow I am planning on getting my tattoo for Brian. I am really looking forward to that. I think it will help me a lot.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

R.I.P. Brian Mcshane

On July 22, 2011 the love of my life took his life.

He decided our fate at a time he was not himself. He decided our fate at a time he wasn't thinking clearly. I feel like if I had a chance to talk to him, had he not done this while I was at work, There could have been a chance. I saw him everyday. We use to live together. Any free time we had we spent it together. I had NO idea things were this bad for him. Am I a moron? how could i not have known? he's my best friend. I knew he struggled with his anxiety and working but I didnt think it would come to this. Now, I have no choice but to sleep alone and have a life alone. I feel so empty and broken. Why would he choose this for me? For us? He knows he was my world and i would do anything i could to help him. we were going to get married! Now what?! I'm not mad at him. I just don't understand. I love him and have to respect his choice. He is free now from all his demons. But it doesnt make it hurt any less.

Brian is the most handsome man I have ever met, inside and out. He was not like anyone in the world, truly one of a kind. He never judged anyone and would do kind things for anyone. even strangers. He had such a good heart and he loved me in a way I have never been loved. He has been my best friend and I am grateful we shared 3 amazing years together in love. He helped me become a better person and we gave each other a lot of happiness. No one has ever made me laugh the way Brian could. We use to be so silly with each other and have the best times.

I can't imagine my life without him. I don't know what to do. I keep thinking this isn't real. My mind isn't grasping what this really means. I see the world going around like nothing happened to them. How can that be? My world has stopped. My heart is barely beating. Everyone has their life partners..mine is gone. This pain hurts more than anything I have ever felt in my life balled into one.

I am lucky to have really supportive people in my life. The best of friends and family. Brian's friends are all so sweet and helping me too. I am truly lucky and I couldn't do this without them.

I miss my baby so much.

He is my angel now.

Brian Mcshane- I love you more than you will ever know.

Saturday, July 9, 2011


I had to take my hair extensions out today. sad day. Next on my agenda is going blonde and having the bazillion blowout. After awhile I plan on getting blonde extentions. I always love adventures with my hair. These get my inspiration flowin'!

All photos found on pinterest

Here's me when I use to have blonde hair.

Friday, July 8, 2011


I picked up patterns to make these the other day. I can't wait to get started! My next step is finding the perfect fabric. For the top I am think I want to use a silky or jersey. It's such a perfect little summer top. I think fabric for the top will be easier to find than the fabric for the dress. I REALLY like the fabric that DKNY used. I am a sucker for polka dots!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

long beach

I have been house sitting for a friend of mine for a couple of weeks. My friend has a super cute studio in long beach. It's in a super cute artsy area on fourth street. Brian and I have been trying tons of new places to eat and having fun walking places. I love the small town vibe that downtown long beach has. It has such a charm. I grew up here for 16 years but never appreciated it. I live in orange county and everything is so spread out and mostly not in walking distance (unless you want to walk several miles).