Sunday, July 24, 2011

R.I.P. Brian Mcshane

On July 22, 2011 the love of my life took his life.

He decided our fate at a time he was not himself. He decided our fate at a time he wasn't thinking clearly. I feel like if I had a chance to talk to him, had he not done this while I was at work, There could have been a chance. I saw him everyday. We use to live together. Any free time we had we spent it together. I had NO idea things were this bad for him. Am I a moron? how could i not have known? he's my best friend. I knew he struggled with his anxiety and working but I didnt think it would come to this. Now, I have no choice but to sleep alone and have a life alone. I feel so empty and broken. Why would he choose this for me? For us? He knows he was my world and i would do anything i could to help him. we were going to get married! Now what?! I'm not mad at him. I just don't understand. I love him and have to respect his choice. He is free now from all his demons. But it doesnt make it hurt any less.

Brian is the most handsome man I have ever met, inside and out. He was not like anyone in the world, truly one of a kind. He never judged anyone and would do kind things for anyone. even strangers. He had such a good heart and he loved me in a way I have never been loved. He has been my best friend and I am grateful we shared 3 amazing years together in love. He helped me become a better person and we gave each other a lot of happiness. No one has ever made me laugh the way Brian could. We use to be so silly with each other and have the best times.

I can't imagine my life without him. I don't know what to do. I keep thinking this isn't real. My mind isn't grasping what this really means. I see the world going around like nothing happened to them. How can that be? My world has stopped. My heart is barely beating. Everyone has their life partners..mine is gone. This pain hurts more than anything I have ever felt in my life balled into one.

I am lucky to have really supportive people in my life. The best of friends and family. Brian's friends are all so sweet and helping me too. I am truly lucky and I couldn't do this without them.

I miss my baby so much.

He is my angel now.

Brian Mcshane- I love you more than you will ever know.


  1. Hi, I know that we don't know one another but I read this post and I wanted to reach out and let you know that I am so sorry for your loss. I have seen how anxiety and depression can cause people to isolate and hide their pain from the ones they love. I also know what it's like to lose someone and that feeling is painful and raw for a while, but you will find hope again. Thank you for sharing this and you are in my thoughts.

    All my best,

  2. Heather, I am so, so sorry to read of this tragedy. As I get older, I see more and more how life is difficult and challenging and so often doesn't make sense. I know how it feels to lose someone you love, and to honestly feel that it isn't real - and to not understand how it's possible. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Losing someone we love is the most difficult thing to experience in life, and the love and support of friends and family will help you to find strength and take each day one at a time. I am so truly sorry.

  3. Heather,
    I am very sorry to hear this. I just heard about it from a friend and came to read your blog. I went to school with Brian from 7-12th grade and we had quite a few classes together, we even had a couple jam sessions. I had not seen him for at least 3 or 4 years, since I moved but your description is exactly what I remember. He was so frickin cool, never said a negative word about anyone. He was a great guy, genuine. It's weird because I was just talking to my brother about him a couple weeks ago, wish I could have seen him again.

  4. Heather,
    I am so incredibly sorry and broken hearted for you. I've lost a lot of loved ones in my life to death, but everyone's experiences and losses are different and I just could never say that I know how you feel, because it is your own, but I do understand some of the pain that you feel and my heart goes out to you. I know we don't know each other well, but I just want you to know that you are supported and loved. My thoughts and my prayers are with you and I promise that, even though Brian will never leave your heart or your mind or your life and though you will always love and miss him, the pain will get easier eventually and life will continue. Don't lose all hope, you will get through this.

    I am so sorry, sweetheart. Just know that you are loved and he will always be with you and in your heart.

  5. Thank you all so very much.<3