Sunday, July 24, 2011
R.I.P. Brian Mcshane
On July 22, 2011 the love of my life took his life.
He decided our fate at a time he was not himself. He decided our fate at a time he wasn't thinking clearly. I feel like if I had a chance to talk to him, had he not done this while I was at work, There could have been a chance. I saw him everyday. We use to live together. Any free time we had we spent it together. I had NO idea things were this bad for him. Am I a moron? how could i not have known? he's my best friend. I knew he struggled with his anxiety and working but I didnt think it would come to this. Now, I have no choice but to sleep alone and have a life alone. I feel so empty and broken. Why would he choose this for me? For us? He knows he was my world and i would do anything i could to help him. we were going to get married! Now what?! I'm not mad at him. I just don't understand. I love him and have to respect his choice. He is free now from all his demons. But it doesnt make it hurt any less.
Brian is the most handsome man I have ever met, inside and out. He was not like anyone in the world, truly one of a kind. He never judged anyone and would do kind things for anyone. even strangers. He had such a good heart and he loved me in a way I have never been loved. He has been my best friend and I am grateful we shared 3 amazing years together in love. He helped me become a better person and we gave each other a lot of happiness. No one has ever made me laugh the way Brian could. We use to be so silly with each other and have the best times.
I can't imagine my life without him. I don't know what to do. I keep thinking this isn't real. My mind isn't grasping what this really means. I see the world going around like nothing happened to them. How can that be? My world has stopped. My heart is barely beating. Everyone has their life partners..mine is gone. This pain hurts more than anything I have ever felt in my life balled into one.
I am lucky to have really supportive people in my life. The best of friends and family. Brian's friends are all so sweet and helping me too. I am truly lucky and I couldn't do this without them.
I miss my baby so much.
He is my angel now.
Brian Mcshane- I love you more than you will ever know.