R.I.P. Brian Mcshane

On July 22, 2011 the love of my life took his life.



He decided our fate at a time he was not himself. He decided our fate at a time he wasn't thinking clearly. I feel like if I had a chance to talk to him, had he not done this while I was at work, There could have been a chance. I saw him everyday. We use to live together. Any free time we had we spent it together. I had NO idea things were this bad for him. Am I a moron? how could i not have known? he's my best friend. I knew he struggled with his anxiety and working but I didnt think it would come to this. Now, I have no choice but to sleep alone and have a life alone. I feel so empty and broken. Why would he choose this for me? For us? He knows he was my world and i would do anything i could to help him. we were going to get married! Now what?! I'm not mad at him. I just don't understand. I love him and have to respect his choice. He is free now from all his demons. But it doesnt make it hurt any less.

Brian is the most handsome man I have ever met, inside and out. He was not like anyone in the world, truly one of a kind. He never judged anyone and would do kind things for anyone. even strangers. He had such a good heart and he loved me in a way I have never been loved. He has been my best friend and I am grateful we shared 3 amazing years together in love. He helped me become a better person and we gave each other a lot of happiness. No one has ever made me laugh the way Brian could. We use to be so silly with each other and have the best times.

I can't imagine my life without him. I don't know what to do. I keep thinking this isn't real. My mind isn't grasping what this really means. I see the world going around like nothing happened to them. How can that be? My world has stopped. My heart is barely beating. Everyone has their life partners..mine is gone. This pain hurts more than anything I have ever felt in my life balled into one.

I am lucky to have really supportive people in my life. The best of friends and family. Brian's friends are all so sweet and helping me too. I am truly lucky and I couldn't do this without them.

I miss my baby so much.


















He is my angel now.

Brian Mcshane- I love you more than you will ever know.

Hair

I had to take my hair extensions out today. sad day. Next on my agenda is going blonde and having the bazillion blowout. After awhile I plan on getting blonde extentions. I always love adventures with my hair. These get my inspiration flowin'!







All photos found on pinterest

Here's me when I use to have blonde hair.

patterns

I picked up patterns to make these the other day. I can't wait to get started! My next step is finding the perfect fabric. For the top I am think I want to use a silky or jersey. It's such a perfect little summer top. I think fabric for the top will be easier to find than the fabric for the dress. I REALLY like the fabric that DKNY used. I am a sucker for polka dots!

long beach

I have been house sitting for a friend of mine for a couple of weeks. My friend has a super cute studio in long beach. It's in a super cute artsy area on fourth street. Brian and I have been trying tons of new places to eat and having fun walking places. I love the small town vibe that downtown long beach has. It has such a charm. I grew up here for 16 years but never appreciated it. I live in orange county and everything is so spread out and mostly not in walking distance (unless you want to walk several miles).

brain storm

I am taking some time to focus on myself. It feels like forever since I have sat alone and let my mind wonder and dream. I have so many ideas of things I want to do it surprised me. I am now carrying a notebook around with me to jot my thoughts and ideas down. It feels extremely refreshing.

Have you ever lost yourself?

it's been awhile...

Here's what I've been up to.


























How are all my pals doing?